Thursday, May 8, 2008

I think that I have a tendency to believe myself to be inadequate in so many ways. I don't actually believe that my diagnosis of 'depression and anxiety' has been beneficial to me, instead, it's become a crutch that's preventing me from learning how to walk. I just want to press forward, to stretch my boundaries. I am afraid, I worry that my limitations will keep me from taking the boys to school, to games, that I will limit them because of my unease, and that makes me feel sick, because the last thing I ever want to do is limit these brilliant boys.

I think a lot of it is how I talk to myself. I know that I berate myself about everything, that I let despair into my heart over very small, ludicrous things. I allow myself to get overwhelmed easily, and then I bemoan my life, which is nothing to bemoan about-- I have a wonderful life, amazing children, a gorgeous home to live in, my husband is working and going to school and we do not find it difficult to live within our means. We'll never be rich, but we don't really spend much, so we don't need to be. Our needs are simple.

I think I get frustrated, because I want to reach out and create the future I see in my head NOW. I find it difficult to wait for my hunny to finish school and get a job. I want to start tilling the ground, and moving forward, and waiting makes me restless! It's good for me, right?

I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, and I know that's a distinct possibility. My heart may just be bigger than my strength. Why, then, do I feel this overwhelming drive? I feel that my desires are righteous, and perhaps I really should just leap in, but I need for Evan not to get overwhelmed, and I need to create balance in our home.

But I don't believe in putting life on hold. I believe we create our now, and if we truly desire something, then we are responsible for its fruition.

Balance. Balance. Balance.

I guess I can set the groundwork now, and then put the knowledge to action in the future. I just need to quiet my impatience. I need to quiet myself all around.

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