Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Why I don't make friends...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't make the mistake of blaming anyone but myself for the fact that my interaction with anyone outside of my immediate family is basically null. I enjoy the time I get with my SIL and BIL on my hubby's side-- we tend to go out on Saturday nights together and it is CRAZY! And fun...

But... I'm not likely to get close to people. I never call anyone. I don't go anywhere, as I have the two kids and would have to beg transportation from other people.

But, at the very core of it... I don't think I'm necessarily the kind of person who HAS friends. I'm awkward, strange, and uncomfortable with people over the age of about 4... I'm private and easily mortified about my weaknesses. I can converse with other people, but I find it exhausting and ALWAYS-- this is the core of it all-- ALWAYS I assume that other people just find me... irritating.

But it makes me sad, because I never call my family, or when I do I slam myself about what I said and what I didn't, or if I talk for too long and am annoying, or if they're just being tolerant of me... and, when I do try to contact my family, I'll make some kind of excuse why I *need* their help or opinion, and then I end up wondering if they think I just contact them to use them...

Why this complete lack of confidence? Honestly? I don't even like me, so how can I expect anyone else to? I find myself completely irritating-- my sporatic attention span, my health issues, my obsessiveness, my lack of organization... I keep trying to form myself into something else, but again... I find it exhausting.

Now, this isn't a pity-party. I'm prone to a little too much self examination, and I'm using my blog to think things through.

When I let someone into my heart I never let them go. Honestly. I still worry about friends I had in middle-school, hoping that they're ok and getting mad with myself for things I did/said or didn't do/say. I never forget a friend, and never forget a face. 

I'm not very fun. I'm not good at playing, even with my boys. I like projects, and books, and, so, my boys end up watching way too much TV, because I don't know how to entertain them and keep them busy.

I'm always exhausted. Honestly. I've been wondering if I might have 'adrenal exhaustion'-- my body temp hovers around 97.1, I'm sick all the time, I'm always tired-- BONE tired... keel-over tired, but I can't nap and have a hard time sleeping.

I'm overly-passionate. I get really excited about things, and I share those things and the average person who doesn't get excited about growing your own food and having backyard chickens can get easily overwhelmed. I'm also very... ADD... about my passions. I'm passionate about a LOT of things. 

Basically, you gotta love me, or I'm reeeeeeaaaaaaalllly not your thing :).

I keep telling Hubby that at 27 I should have outgrown some of this stuff-- seriously. I might as well still be my awkward, immature, middle-school self. And what happened to getting rid of acne before the wrinkles set in? I have both :)!

Now, I think I have a pretty good life-- I have the best kids-- both unbelieveably adorable and very smart (too smart!). I have a husband who understands, mostly, about my disorganization and NEVER EVER holds it up to me or criticises me. I just don't have much of an outside of the house and moving around life. I basically have no friends.

And, ever since I left the hospital, the exhaustion has been worse and worse, and, since July, I have suddenly gained 27 lbs, without changing anything about my life.

I'm. Tired.

And then I get that restless feeling like I need something more-- and I start thinking about mini-farms with orchards and gardens and making my own butter and cheese-- and I know I can't go there, because 1) Hubby is still in school 2)Hubby will never EVER consider living anywhere but here and its impractical to do a heritage farm when there's no water.

Thoughts? Solutions? (non-medicine related???? I HATE my anti-depressants). Should I just give up and try to be content????

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Ho Hum

Not much has been going on here, which is why we've been on the quiet side. However, we may be looking to get another vehicle this weekend, so I can start being a little less dependant on the mercy of my Hubby for going places :).

I'm excited about the Twilight movie! Can't wait to see it!

Despite our best efforts (giggle) we're still not pregnant. It's a change for us-- having never had to 'try' before, but this is a time of change, and we trust that the Lord's timing is better than our own. 

We have decided to try to find a job after Hubby graduates with his Master's in the spring. We've been in school for more than ten years-- our whole relationship and both of us are ready to be done. And, after all, as I always say, you can always go back to school, but you can't get your time back if it wasn't right...

The boys are fantastic-- Sunny is a monster who wants to fight people all the time. It's my own fault for playing FFIX with him on my lap. It lasted about two months, longer than most games I play, but I think I'm suffering burn out. That's very me, unfortunately...

Drew has been a little tantrum-oriented lately, but I know its because he learned the bahvior from watching Noah cry and then get his parents. Both of them can be handfuls, but I wouldn't trade a millisecond of them for anything, they make me laugh and smile more than anything else ever has. 

This conversation just happened, looking at pics of a friend's new baby:

Sunny: Mama, I want a baby.
M: Mommy wants a baby, too, Sunny. She wants to have a baby in her tummy.
Sunny: (lifting up his shirt to look at his tummy) I want a baby in MY tummy TOO!
M: Boys can't have babies in their tummies, only mommies.
Sunny: Oh... (shrugs) OK! Rolling down the sandhills... rolling down the sand hills... can I get a pony????

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm far behind...

.. Because I've spent the last month sick-- literally. Today I feel much better because I only have a double earache and a headache with a mild sore throat...

Drew was in the hospital last weekend. He's fine... they thought appendicitis, but a blessing cured him so he was only in overnight.

Halloween was fun-- Drew squeezed into his lion costume that he wore when he was two. (The last time he was in the hospital). Sunny was a racecar driver.

Mommy and Daddy didn't dress up.

Days like This...

I was sitting on the edge of my bed, reading, while the boys played in the shower. So, how come I never knew that the flooded the whole upstairs master bathroom? Ten gallons of water out of the carpet!

Then, the very next day, how did I not hear them as they emptied three whole liter containers of poster paint in several different rooms? Why was it such a shock to see a blue from head to toe baby???? One hour solid scrubbing with both boys helping... and a ruined livingroom carpet and boy bedroom carpet...

Sigh...