Laugh... Laugh... I thought I'd die...

I don't know why I have that song stuck in my head.

Things are... well, very busy right now. My typing skills are a little limited because I was ripping rags for a rag rug (yes, another project!) and my whole right thumb and first two fingers are numb-- it feels so weird! It's like trying to drink out of a cup when you've had Novocaine at the dentist.

Sunny hasn't been feeling well, so we'll see if I actually have a chance to write anything. He's VERY crabby.

On Sunday we made chore charts for the boys-- where they can be rewarded for good behavior and helping. If they get a time out, then they lose three stickers. If they go through a whole day with no time outs they get a BIG sticker-- which will lead to rewards later. This is only day two, but it's working great so far. I also have a chart, though I don't get stickers, but it helps me see in a glance what needs to get done-- which is a LOT.

Today I've made a big breakfast (oatmeal, hash browns, and eggs), folded, and put away, three loads of laundry, put another two loads IN, one of which is drying right now. Fed the chicks and bunnies, vacuumed the living room and play room, organized my boxes in the dining room and swept in there. I've prepped for dinner, and loaded the dishwasher.

BUT... I still have so much to do! Watering plants, I need to wash the whole upstairs and help Drew clean his room, which is a big mess.

And this is just for today. You super moms out there have my respect-- I am TIRED!

There has been so much stuff going on around us, continually. We've really pulled together in our marriage and family, though, taking refuge in our relationships from the storms around us.

The semester is coming to an end and Evan has tons of presentations and papers due. Around the 19th of May he'll be switching from his job to his internship for the summer. Hopefully he'll get his regular job back in August!

Yes, we have a ton going on right now, and I've really been struggling, but I'm just taking one step at a time and keeping my head as clear as I can. Once I wean Sunny I can change medications, as this one can be problematic when certain symptoms are intensified.

Depression is not just s disease-- it's a temptation-- it's so easy to sink into it, to wallow, and drown, and just lay down and let it take over. It's so easy to just let my mind play negativity over and over again, smashing myself and cutting me to the quick-- but I can't allow that. I pray, and make projects, and talk to my hunny, and I know I'll survive.

If you've ever read the Alvin Maker books, by Orson Scott Card, he describes his need to Make something when the Un-Maker is about-- that's how I feel! So that's why I do projects!

I planted eight trees yesterday in 5 gallon pots. All fruit trees. I love my plants!

... and the Camel's Back Broke

About two months ago we realized that someone's pet rat had escaped and was living in our backyard.

Last night it slaughtered 7 of my chicks. All pullets-- no cockerels.

This morning I found my dead little babies stuffed inside its hole, including Drew's very favorite chicken, Turtle.

My landlords called.

I'm a horrible housekeeper. The chickens have to go. I really need to keep up with the house better. (That was based on what the house looked like after we spent a whole week scrubbing it.)

I'm a horrible person.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I just want to go AWAY.

Why is it that everything I touch is a complete disaster? I'm a horrible person,a horrible mom, a horrible housekeeper, a horrible EVERYTHING.

Why am I the only person in the universe that can't seem to do this? Why is it so hard for me to get things clean and keep them that way? Why am I so TIRED just trying to breathe??????????

I hate this.

I hate me.

Things have been very busy lately. My MIL went into the hospital last week and had her gallbladder removed. She is ding great now. This may actually be the key to all these blood pressure issues she's been having for the last four years. (And I was blaming myself! Not really...)

I think I have a problem with a core characteristic of mine. I am STRONGLY defensive of those I care about, even if they really don't need me to defend them. I feel this way about my MIL.
To the S-FIL who stole her car while she was in the hospital and took off for a weekend of whatever crap (sorry guys) without a thought to her-- well, you, sir are a LOUSE. You don't deserve a hair on her head and I think the whole family would be better off if you went on one of these little 'holidays' and just DISAPPEARED. JERK JERK JERK. You are the most selfish, horrible excuse for a human being that has ever climbed out of the primordial ooze.

So tame compared to how I'm feeling.

Cranky-the-chicken is missing. That makes me really upset. How can a huge black chicken DISAPPEAR?

I'm trying to get a camera cord for the camera so I can show you guys some pics of my boys-- they are growing ridiculously fast these days. You have to hear Sunny singing-- it's so cute!

I want...

I want a house, within an easy commute of downtown, with 5-10- acres.

I want to put in fruit and nut trees, and have a couple steers, and some goats, possibly even a cow.

I want an old pony for my kids to ride that I can drive.

I want a huge garden where I can put in tons of potatoes and garlic and tomatoes etc etc. So I can can and make my own sauce every summer.

I want to dig a 'root cellar' to age my homemade cheeses and to store the foods I've grown.

I want homemade bread with homemade butter and homemade jam from homemade berries.

I want chickens and geese and turkeys and ducks scattered all over the 'homestead'.

I want my land to have its own well.

I want solar panels.

I want an adobe outdoor tandoori oven.

I'm keeping my incubators, so when we can actually keep geese, I can hatch them myself. This isn't just because I LIKE hatching them-- I have issues with shipping live chicks and the mortality rates, I also don't like the disease issues that come from large hatcheries. So... yeah... I'll continue buying my eggs from small farmers.

I want a heirloom garden-- every single plant from heirloom seeds.

I want heritage stock-- my cows I want to be Kerry.

I want to tell Drew, when he says 'I'm hungry' to go out in the garden where he can grab whatever he wants to eat.

I want to make cider in the fall.

I want to lie under a tree with my kids, a yellow lab nearby, and a couple goats chewing cud, watching us lazily. I want to lean back and see turkey vultures floating high above us.

I want it so much that I can see it-- I can feel the breeze, I can smell the trees. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face and hear the laughter of my children chasing geese.

I want to ride horses with my children... and a hayride in the fall.

I want to share what has been lost-- weaving, crafting, spinning, nourishing, cheesemaking, preserving...

What do you specifically want?

Faith

Recently we took a leap of faith, when we felt the prompting that we should stay in this house, regardless of the fact that it will cost us twice as much to be here as the alternative we were facing. It was a tough decision, and one not made lightly, but we moved forward in faith, even telling the alternative housing people to go ahead and put their house on the market instead, even before we knew we'd be able to stay.

The same day we made that commitment we heard from our landlords saying we could stay.

It's been very stressful. I hate not knowing what we're doing. I like to plan ahead, and I never change plans midstream, especially to one that, on paper, looks like it's a disadvantage. In the long term I'm sure this is the right decision, but it means tightening our belts and living very very frugally right now-- no extras at all. We can do it, of course, and, as I mention in my last post, just about the whole world has it worse than us.

I've been trying to just plow ahead. I've been feeling ill for a couple weeks now, as my inability to consume most foods that contain iron (grains and legumes) has really drained my system and caught up with me in a serious way. I've had moments where I've gotten dizzy and all I can do is lie down on the floor and wait for it to pass-- even if I'm holding Sunny and trying to get something done.

BUT we've been incredibly blessed for this "pressing-on". I'm sure the pioneers felt many days like they could not take another step, but they forced themselves on and on and on... sometimes it feels like that's what we're doing.

The blessings we've received for acting on our faith are very tangible. Yesterday I sold my geese and my spinning wheel-- bringing in about $400 for our family.

That's what the extra rent is.

Fancy that!

I'm not saying it's any easier, and I don't seeing things getting simpler in the near future, but I know that we are blessed and we are growing, and we are doing all we can TOGETHER to keep our lives heading in the right direction.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm going to lose my mind.

Seriously.

YOU take 18 chicks and eight geese running around your backyard AFTER you just decided you're not moving after all, even though it means twice the rent and hard times ahead

AND a mother in law in the hospital facing gallbladder surgery

PLUS selling a bunch of the aforementioned peeps on craigslist

Two toddlers that are cranky all the time...

Two chicks dying and one of them somehow managing to take out its eye so you have a blind chicken...

A hubby with an insane amount of work due in his grad program this week through the end of school...

A house packed away so you have NOTHING to work with to entertain the boys, but you just feel exhausted thinking about opening all those boxes and unpacking again after going nowhere...

Stupid ducks eggs that won't HATCH!

Severe anemia that makes you pass out and get dizzy constantly, makes you feel so nauseous that you waste pregnancy tests when you know you CAN'T be pregnant!

AND 90 degree temperatures when you can't turn on the AC because of rent being twice as much, and you can't tolerate much higher than 72 without feeling like you're going to explode like a molten volcano...

AND the realization that this is all boo-hooing because everyone out there has it worse than you, and you know it, but you still feel overwhelmed!

Bah humbug

Wake me at Christmas

Cute...

I just went outside to check on the 'babies' and there was a gosling nuzzling the back of a bantam he was sleeping with his head on. Nestled on top of the gosling's head was another little bantam chick-- the smallest one we have (Racecar). Scattered all around the bunny hutch were goslings and chicks, just collapsed against each other and sleeping away.

The goslings are very affectionate-- they'll groom each other-- groom the chickens. One gosling and one bantam just play with each other constantly-- it's like watching a St. Bernard playing with a miniature dachshund-- not something you see every day!

We let the babies (all except the one that hatched this morning) run around in the grass today. The geese are incredible foragers, and have taught the chickens how to eat grass and hunt down bugs. I was cleaning out part of the fridge and gave them some cooked sweet potato leftovers I had-- there's just a feeling of rightness with the animals eating our leftovers, and grass, and being handled well. It's also incredibly fun. I think I could lay for hours and just watch them-- even when they're sleeping. There's just something about me and animals-- I'm that way with my boys, too, I should mention-- sometimes I just want to sit and stare and drink them in.

Sunny vacuumed my camera cord to pieces, so pics may be a little long in coming-- I can't wait for you all to see these adorable little things ;)

Babies...

So, my eggs have been hatching at a great rate. So far I have five bantams (out of seven eggs), five mix-breed chickens (out of ten eggs), and five goslings (out of five eggs). The goslings are the cutest things I've ever seen.

Drew has been naming them, and the names are a riot!

I have to admit that I have gone overboard with this-- I'm expecting more hatchings this week-- some twenty plus chickens, 24 ducks, and 6 turkeys! AHHH! Save me! :)

I've been maintaining the house really well-- I'd finished my chores my 9 this morning, which left me wondering what else to do???