Wednesday, August 5, 2009


No, not the one I'm still carrying... but Kevin!

He starts kindergarten tomorrow.

I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing-- I like his school and his teacher OK. It's just the thought of not having him around anymore than bugs me-- that and the fact that I *hated* school. Kevin is intense and I worry that that and his shyness will make school a difficult thing for him.

I also have so many worries and self-doubts that I will let him down. I know that I need to be in there volunteering as much as possible, but it's just not going to happen. I can barely face driving to school tomorrow to pick him up. In fact, thinking about that, alone, makes me stress out.

This is my *Kevin*-- my little baby who didn't want to thrive, my creative, impulsive, organized, driven, son. He isn't a cuddly child, but once in a while he'll show real affection for me. Lately he's been asking for 'Mommy Only' time in the night time and we just go to my room and talk about random things. I *love* it, and it's never long enough because Daddy gets distracted and Noah shows up, grinning, to say 'that's my spot, Kev!'

What if he's overlooked because he's so quiet? What if he refuses to show his teacher what he already knows and she lables him, without realizing that he already knows how to read, that he knows it all, but he's unlikely to show it to her, because he just doesn't like being put on the spot. Even with us he'll play dumb if he's put on the spot or feels pressured...

I do want him socialized. I want him to know his peers and be able to play and get along with them well. I want him to learn social skills that I never learned, and to have a learning environment where, perhaps, he won't challenge everything the teacher says like he does with me. I am SO worried that the opposite will happen. I'm scared that school will feel to him like it did to me, and that he'll be so stressed out and scared to go that he'll do anything not to.

I've already decided that if he doesn't thrive this year, and love it, that I'm homeschooling him next year. I don't want him to think we can just quit things mid-stream, and I've been accused of teaching him that as it is, because of situations like the goats, etc. that have not worked out well.

But, you know what? We looked at the curriculum and it's all going to be review until December at the earliest for him. He knows so much about the world around him through all the things we've done together, and we've read together so much, and done numbers... I hope he walks in there and is filled with confidence when he realizes how ahead he is...

I'm going to miss him so much!

1 comment:

Martie said...

Oh wow! So, how did he like his first day? How does Noah like having Mommy to himself, at least for a short time? How do you feel now that he is starting to settle in?