But... I'm not likely to get close to people. I never call anyone. I don't go anywhere, as I have the two kids and would have to beg transportation from other people.
But, at the very core of it... I don't think I'm necessarily the kind of person who HAS friends. I'm awkward, strange, and uncomfortable with people over the age of about 4... I'm private and easily mortified about my weaknesses. I can converse with other people, but I find it exhausting and ALWAYS-- this is the core of it all-- ALWAYS I assume that other people just find me... irritating.
But it makes me sad, because I never call my family, or when I do I slam myself about what I said and what I didn't, or if I talk for too long and am annoying, or if they're just being tolerant of me... and, when I do try to contact my family, I'll make some kind of excuse why I *need* their help or opinion, and then I end up wondering if they think I just contact them to use them...
Why this complete lack of confidence? Honestly? I don't even like me, so how can I expect anyone else to? I find myself completely irritating-- my sporatic attention span, my health issues, my obsessiveness, my lack of organization... I keep trying to form myself into something else, but again... I find it exhausting.
Now, this isn't a pity-party. I'm prone to a little too much self examination, and I'm using my blog to think things through.
When I let someone into my heart I never let them go. Honestly. I still worry about friends I had in middle-school, hoping that they're ok and getting mad with myself for things I did/said or didn't do/say. I never forget a friend, and never forget a face.
I'm not very fun. I'm not good at playing, even with my boys. I like projects, and books, and, so, my boys end up watching way too much TV, because I don't know how to entertain them and keep them busy.
I'm always exhausted. Honestly. I've been wondering if I might have 'adrenal exhaustion'-- my body temp hovers around 97.1, I'm sick all the time, I'm always tired-- BONE tired... keel-over tired, but I can't nap and have a hard time sleeping.
I'm overly-passionate. I get really excited about things, and I share those things and the average person who doesn't get excited about growing your own food and having backyard chickens can get easily overwhelmed. I'm also very... ADD... about my passions. I'm passionate about a LOT of things.
Basically, you gotta love me, or I'm reeeeeeaaaaaaalllly not your thing :).
I keep telling Hubby that at 27 I should have outgrown some of this stuff-- seriously. I might as well still be my awkward, immature, middle-school self. And what happened to getting rid of acne before the wrinkles set in? I have both :)!
Now, I think I have a pretty good life-- I have the best kids-- both unbelieveably adorable and very smart (too smart!). I have a husband who understands, mostly, about my disorganization and NEVER EVER holds it up to me or criticises me. I just don't have much of an outside of the house and moving around life. I basically have no friends.
And, ever since I left the hospital, the exhaustion has been worse and worse, and, since July, I have suddenly gained 27 lbs, without changing anything about my life.
I'm. Tired.
And then I get that restless feeling like I need something more-- and I start thinking about mini-farms with orchards and gardens and making my own butter and cheese-- and I know I can't go there, because 1) Hubby is still in school 2)Hubby will never EVER consider living anywhere but here and its impractical to do a heritage farm when there's no water.
Thoughts? Solutions? (non-medicine related???? I HATE my anti-depressants). Should I just give up and try to be content????
3 comments:
I think you and hubby should find a hobby together that neither of you has any knowledge about already, and only do it when you're together (so neither gets ahead of the other). This has nothing to do with what I judge your relationship be like, or anything like that. I just think that when a couple engages in creative or playful or fun or exciting things together it really enriches your life and you feel happier and it stretches to other parts of your life as well, and has the added bonus of strengthening your relationship. WHEN we do this (not too often, especially after Littler was born), things are just awesome. When we don't, I am more likely to want to sit at the computer all day or not clean or just be a generally lame person. I don't know why. You guys could start carving wood things together or something. (I reeeeeeally want to do that.) So, anyway, maybe not really what you were looking for, but that's what came to my mind. It just seems like it would be fun for you guys.
I'm sick, but will try to respond later. Love you.
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